Heroes of capitalism

-Posted by Isaac

I happened to see this in TIME magazine the other day, and it was really demoralizing.

No, not the blurb about New Zealand already overcoming their pandemic. No, not our own president’s “sarcasm” about disinfectants. And no, not even the part about insect decline. I already knew about that, it’s just that I didn’t know it was that far along. I had a billion dollar idea this week, and the demoralizing part is that my idea may never come to fruition, simply for the fact that it seems to be happening anyway… without my involvement.

I’m sorry, I have jumped way ahead and no doubt confused you already. So let me back up.

We’ll start with apple pollination.

This is my Bat Signal Tree. All year long, most mornings, sometime between 5 and 7am I run by this apple tree. In April I pay attention. As soon as I see the first buds, I can just about set my watch to it— the apple orchards will be calling within the next three days. It’s my Bat Signal.

And sure enough, the calls came.

The Lynd Fruit Farm and Sunny Hill Orchards. Needing the bees ASAP.

Right now!

What’s funny, is that the Bat Signal was a little off this year. By about a week. It was several more days from the time I anticipated moving bees to the time I actually did. Hmmm…

Plus, the redbuds were still in bloom.

That’s never happened. (At least not in my memory.) Usually we’re way beyond the redbuds when the apples come in.

Here’s my non-botanist, unscientific, beekeeper ordering of the spring bloom in central Ohio:

Maples / Crocus / Deadnettle / Willows / Redbuds / Dandelions / Peach / Pears / Apples / Cherries / Dogwoods / Ash / Autumn Olive / Honeysuckle / Black Locust / Tulip poplar / Honey locust / Oaks

I’m sure I’ll take some flack when the experts read this and correct me, but even the experts have to admit… this has been a weird year.

Autumn Olive and redbuds blooming at the same time? What gives?

Well, what gives is that it’s been so cold. We had two weeks in April where the day’s high temp didn’t even reach the normal average for that specific date. Cold!

The bees, and all other insects couldn’t make it out to do their jobs. When a flower doesn’t get pollinated, it stays around awhile. And waits. That’s why the redbuds are still around. You’ve probably noticed this.

I was yammering about all this with Laura Urban on Wednesday. She was taking a big load of nucs off my hands.

That’s when the idea hit me. My billion dollar idea.

But I kept it simmering for a few more days. On Friday I loaded a fellow Scioto Valley Beekeepers club member with his own batch of nucs. Much to my chagrin, David is a blog reader. So instead of blooms and bees, David with a wry smile decided to launch into other areas of conversation: pandemic, societal ills, socialism, capitalism…

I had to reassure him, “No man, as much as people want to peg me as some kind of socialist, unamerican, leftist wack job… I’m not, believe me.”

We were out in the nuc yard.

Look, small business. Right here. My own little capitalist kingdom. Trust me, I’m a flag waving fat cat through and through. And it’s working out pretty well. “I just use that blog to raise your capitalist ire. It’s fun to point out all the flaws and hypocrisies.”

And boy, there sure seems to be a lot of them.

Just look around.

Or if you can afford it… boat around.

Flaws…

#winning

…and hypocrisies.

Enough material for months and months of blog posts.

Especially during the pandemic months.

No David, I’m nowhere close to being a socialist. Capitalism is fine and dandy. I was born 1. white 2. healthy 3. male 4. middle class 5. two parent family 6. landed family 7. in a functioning community 8. with a protestant work ethic

It would be really hard to screw that up.

So to prove to you guys once again, my red blooded capitalist bent, here’s my billion dollar idea: We douse the world in chemicals.

Specifically, insecticides.

But we’d have to do it right. I mean soak the place. None of this half-assed, as-needed stuff the farmers spray on soybeans. No willy-nilly insect-specific seed treatment that the Bayer Corp. uses for corn. That’s a good start. But what we need is a 100% kill. We need to carpet bomb the forests. We need to drench the fields. Kind of like flood irrigation… but using Dursban instead of water. It would become sort of a chemical Manhattan Project.

And what does this gain? Well let me tell you— Just a few bullet points:

• We put people back to work. Big Chem could start hiring… and never really quit. Also, hospitals and Big Pharma would benefit indirectly.

• Without insects, we beautify the place. No more pollination means… brilliant redbuds in June! Spectacular dogwoods in July!

• We solve our immigration woes. Nobody wants to come to a place reeking of chemicals.

• We keep the pro-lifers and pro-choicers happy. There simply wouldn’t be pregnancies.

• Most importantly, no more bat related pandemics. We have eliminated their food source!

There it is. My billion dollar idea. I was thinking I could run all this by President Trump. Given my previous experience with people and science and insects, I’d quickly be appointed Chemical Czar— in charge of basic operations and logistics. It could potentially become a trillion dollar project, of which I’d skim a little off the top.

Just a little.

Saving the country while lining my pockets. No doubt I would end up snagging my very own Presidential Freedom Award.

Just like other heroes of capitalism.

So this is why I was so disappointed to see that blurb in TIME. It looks like we’re well on our way… and I haven’t even done anything. But maybe there’s still time, I don’t know? Still time to capitalize.

Unfortunately it’s going to be an uphill battle. Starting at home. See, I’m married to this socialist who thinks we ought to share the wealth once in a while.

I’ll explain the error of her ways after dinner.